My focus word for 2020 is vulnerability. Even confessing it out loud on this forum makes me feel nervous, but I believe it will lead to good things.
What comes to mind for you when you hear the word vulnerability? Is it weakness? For many people, these two are synonymous with one another.
However, I have seen great strength in vulnerability.
As Brené Brown says in her book Rising Strong, “Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” This comes from a woman who’s studied vulnerability for many years.
If I’m going to write a blog about this topic and have it as my key word this year, I should put it into practise, right? Allow me to share a little about what has been going on in my life recently and be vulnerable with you.
Two months ago, I quit my job. This was a job that I was good at, I enjoyed, and could see myself working at for a long time. I put in three years with this small company, so leaving was no easy task.
In fact, this was a great loss in my life. The past two months have been incredibly hard as I’ve been mourning the loss of what could have been. I’ve cried, a lot. I’ve had moments of intense anger. I’ve wrestled with my faith. To say the least, these past few months have been rough on not only me, but my family as well.
At this point, I am still in the middle of processing all that has happened. I’m not “out of the woods” yet, so to speak.
When you can’t see the end result, the “why” of something, and you’re in the thick of it, it can be very hard to talk about the experience.
I’m the type of person who likes to fight my battles alone, or at most with one or two trusted people. Only once I’ve experienced victory do I feel it’s safe to share what happened, so sharing this in the middle of it is new to me.
When life throws you a curve ball and it feels like you’ve taken two steps backward, it can be easy to doubt.
Recently, it felt easy to doubt that things in my life would get better. To doubt that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. To trust that God is there in the muck with me. To know that something beautiful will come from this.
It’s hard to type that last paragraph because looking back at my life, God has literally never let me down. Not once. So why would now be any different?
The fact of the matter is, I’m human. I have emotions and they get the best of me sometimes. I also place high expectations on myself, so when those are not met, I can sink into darkness quite quickly.
What do I mean by high expectations? I mean that while it’s normal to mourn things like the loss of a job in your life, two weeks should be enough time to process and mourn, right? Can’t I move on and be my energetic self again? This is what I tell myself.
Then, when I realized it wasn’t enough time, I wrestled with guilt for taking longer to go through the process. For whatever reason, I felt I should be able to move on faster. Why though? Why do I put these expectations on myself?
If a close friend of mine was struggling with a loss in her life, would I tell her to just “get over it” after a few weeks? Or would I extend her grace? Knowing I would be gracious with her, can I not do the same for myself?
I am learning that stepping into the uncomfortable, talking and writing through the reality of a situation that has no defined ending, can bring clarity.
While the past few months have been such a challenge, the amazing family and friends God placed in my life for such a time as this is astounding! They have prayed for me, listened to me, given me a shoulder to cry on, and encouraged me. This has brought hope; a priceless gift when you feel like you’re in a deep, dark pit.
So there you have it, my vulnerable heart laid wide open.
The good news is that I’m not dead from sharing this with you, beloved reader. In fact, chains of shame are starting to fall away.
That’s the beautiful thing that happens when we open up and are vulnerable. While exposing ourselves seems like it would be the death of us, instead we can start to rise from the depths and heal.
Although it’s initially scary, vulnerability begets more vulnerability! It gives courage to those around us to be vulnerable with their experiences.
Sharing our pain, our disappointments, doubts and fears actually bring connection with others facing similar situations. It allows for life-giving moments in which someone can say, “I’m not the only one.” When we remove the pretences and masks by sharing our stories and hearts, we start to change the world.
Although being vulnerable may seem hard, or even impossible, nothing is impossible with God! (Mark 10:27)
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